It happens to the best couples around the world. It is simply unavoidable. Can you guess what it is? If you guessed fighting then you’re right. While fighting may mean a bunch of different things, I’m talking about verbal altercations that can cause stress on your relationship. This touchy subject can cause huge problems for your relationship if not handled properly. Couples tell me all the time how they “fight constantly” and they don’t think that they can continue in their relationship. This is always a tough topic to handle, but I’ll let you know tips that have worked for me. So - if, (or should I say when), a fight is coming, what should you do?
Figure out a time that works for both of you - I am a morning person while my fiance is a night owl. I can’t tell you the number of times when she wants to start a “serious” conversation around 12:15 in the morning. Likewise, I occassionally push for doing our “serious” talks early in the morning. So, in an attempt to ease our time preferences, we try and talk in the afternoon or early evening - it works great!
State the EXACT problem - This one is really important. I have had many problems with my fiance because we’re talking about two different things! Chances are this will happen to you if you don’t let each other know what’s going on. If you walk in the room and start blasting the other person, do you think they are going to know what’s going on?
Stay focused on the topic -I have found it best to tackle one issue at a time. You may have multiple issues that you have to talk about, but try and focus on talking through one of them before you get to the next one. Typically if you try and let your partner know “everything” that is on your mind in one sentence, they may feel overwhelmed and not be willing to talk.
Take a step back - This one is important especially for those people who like to get fired up about some things. I know that if my fiance and I are fighting about something, I like to look at the big picture. “Is this problem really going to make me stressed out all day?” Chances are it’s something random that won’t affect your relationship in the long run. Of course there are issues that can cause HUGE problems in the relationship (an example would be having an affair), but it is still important to realize why you are in love with that person.
Don’t think that there has to be a “winner” and a “loser” - If there was a contest between who was the “winner” and who was the “loser” in my relationship, my fiance would win consistently. She was on the speech and debate team in high school, which makes our discussions much more interesting. Sometimes she’ll say something and I’m completely floored - I have no idea what to say. It’s OK if there isn’t a “winner” and “loser” - sometimes you have to make compromises and that’s a great way to strengthen a relationship.
Avoid generalizations - If you look across the internet about fighting, this one comes up constantly. You shouldn’t use words such as “never” or “always” when discussing an issue. Using these words just cause more problems since the person may go on the defensive and say something wrong about you. Along with this point, DO NOT bring up issues from the past. This is a great way to kill the conversation!
Most of all - PRAY - This one is HUGE. I can’t stress the importance of praying through an argument. I will occassionally pray for wisdom in my arguments with my fiance. Sometimes after the conversation is over, I’ll think about it and realize that God had to have guided that conversation. Pray for wisdom and God will grant it:
If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. James 1:5
Look to God in all your discussions - not just the ones that cause arguments!
God Bless!
